10.10.2012
You know that anxiety that comes with a break up. That sadness and pain you feel in the middle of your chest? I compare it to grieving someone who is still alive. I think it's one of the worst feelings ever!
But if I'm being honest, I've never felt it before and now that I am, I don't know how to react. I've never had a painful breakup. The worst pain I experienced was the loss of my husband.
And I'm realizing now that it's more of a selfish thing. I don't wanna feel pain so I rather have small happy moments with him. It's pretty fucking pathetic 🤦🏻♀️
Obviously we always want our love interest to feel the same way but what happens when it doesn't happen?
10.31.2012
This roller coaster of emotions I'm on is terrible. Every couple weeks I find myself in this sad place. Missing the fuck out of him and questioning if today's the day he's gonna get distant. I try so hard not to overthink things but it's so hard when the precedent that he set for me is that he's a flake.
Emotions are either one extreme or the other with him. It's either extreme bliss or extreme pain. There's no in between. I wish it was easier to not overthink and just let his distance be what it is. Distance, peace and alone time. I'm almost certain that's what it is, however because he gives me no reassurance, I'm left to wonder and overthink and overwhelm myself. He makes me so crazy. I'm unrecognizable to my damn self. I need a break from Alex. I know I do. But how do I give myself space??
11.6.2012
Earlier this week I had a talk with Alex. Well me talking more than anything. I asked him to not answer my calls or my text messages no matter how much I try. Because I am going to try every time I miss him, or every time it hurts to know I won't see him anymore I'm going to try and try and the only way I'll stop trying is after he hurts me so much i have no choice but to give up.
I'm happy and sad to report that he's failing this test. I'm not making it easy on him though. I wish I could just distance myself and not think about him or worry about him but I love him so I do. Last night I was so sad because I missed him so much. Yesterday he followed orders and didn't reply. Today he didn't. And even though I'm happy to have heard from him I'm worried that he's sick. Butttt I'm happy that he's taking the meds I gave him last time. I know it's just a cold and he'll be fine but he's a stubborn man and I know he's not the healthiest so yes, I worry.
Sometimes I just don't understand the way that I love him. It's this intense feeling that I can't escape. It's taken over all of me. And the irony is that as much as I'm hurting by being away from him, all I keep thinking about is how I hope he's not being too hard on himself about the way I feel. I'm unrecognizable, even to myself. What kind of love is this? Several times I've asked myself, is it the sex? Is it infatuation? Is it the mysterious thing he got going on?
Then, I think about how other things make me feel. Our interactions, our conversations, when we laugh together, when we just lay in bed in silence, when we cuddle, when he's protective. I love these things. I truly feel safe with him, I feel like no matter what happens he would sure I'm ok. i don't know why I feel that because he hasn't really showed me this side of him but, it's a feeling in my gut and don't they always say, listen to your gut?
11.7.2012
So, today is a lot different than yesterday. Today was a good day between us. We talked and it just feels so good when things feel normal.
11.9.2012
I saw him today. It was so good. When I got there I just sat next to him and kind of wrapped myself around him. My heart was beating so fast and hard, I wonder if he noticed since he was resting his head on my chest. He always has that effect on me, no matter how much time passes, how many nights we spend together, I still get nervous. I still get butterflies and knots in my stomach when I know i'm going to see him. Tonight was a good night, it was the kind of night I always want with him. Quiet, peaceful, sweet, just normal. We watched tv, talked a little, and went to bed. I love when he looks at me and says "let's go to bed" it's like that firm voice that makes me want to be completely submissive. I had no interest in what he was watching but I didn't care. He would explain things to me and I would just listen because I love hearing him talk. I think it's crazy how all he has to do is look at me, talk to me, text me, just be near and I forget about all the other stuff. The only thing that matters is how I feel in that moment. With him. Just us.
11.14.2012
So here we are another week, another couple days where he's just gone. Gosh this is so frustrating. The worst part is that I keep hurting myself. I don't know what this attachment is. Don't know how to let it go. Don't know how to be strong for myself. It's crazy how strong we can be for the people we love but when it comes to ourselves, we neglect everything.
One fucking day at a time....
11.22.2012
One year ago today I met him. We didn't talk though today. That kind of sucked because I wanted him to acknowledge that day. He's had a massive impact on me and I wanted to know that I've made at least a little difference in his life in the past year. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm pretty certain he does not remember when it is. Oh well, I guess I can't complain because I choose to stay in this situation.
11.28.2012
Here we go again 😔 I miss him so much because I love him so much. But he keeps getting more and more distant and that hurts like hell. I'm trying to just give him space. I feel like he's going through something and I hate that he won't talk about it. Sometimes it feels like it's just all in my head but I can't help it. I create these wacky scenarios in my head because I don't have information. I don't know what's going on. More tears shed. More uncertainty. More heartbreak 💔
12.3.2012
I spoke to him today. Barely, but I reminded him my birthday is next week and all I want for my birthday is to spend it with him. He didn't reply 😩 I guess that's my answer right.
12.6.2012
Fuck this sadness!!! Man I'm getting so frustrated. It's turning into anger and anxiety. I'm sick of this shit. Part of me wants to just curse him out, maybe that'll help the process along. I really want one good night with him. Maybe if I finally get that date night I want to create for him I'll finally get over it. What this obsession is with me having to finish things? 😒 not working out so well for me. I MISS HIM!!!!! I miss his random pictures, the song screenshots, the little videos, I miss when he missed me, I miss Scout, allergies and all, I miss his smell, his bed, his cuddles, his lips, his dick (for sure). I just want him back. I want the parts of him he shared with me in the beginning. I wish he wouldn't have started that consistency over the summer. I wish he would have stepped back when I started dating someone else. Essentially that was the point. He gave me what I needed and now he's taking it away and it's not fair because now I feel like I can't let go. It was hard enough when I tried before, now I can't even try to date. It's too hard. I don't have the energy. I don't have the mental capacity. And my heart is broken and I don't think I can put it back together as of right now. I know the right thing is to just be alone. Heal. Love myself in a way that nobody can break me this way again. I'm really trying. So fucking hard.
12.7.2012
I feel better today. Still hurting but less. That's better than nothing, it's progress. I know I'll be fine, I know I'll get over it, I know I'll be better, it's just a matter of making it through this hurdle. Healing in progress...
12.9.2012
Today is an emotional day. I know my feelings are always all over the place. I went on a coffee date yesterday with a guy named Sam. He was the most adorable thing. Like human ken doll cute. But what I realized is that we didn't have much to talk about and that sucked. Then, when he kissed me, I realized he just wants to hook up. That turned me off a little. The way my brain is wired, when I have negative interactions with men it makes me miss the good ones I had with the past men in my life. When I'm mad at Alex or sad about Alex, it makes me miss Jason so much more. When I go on a date like yesterday and they disappoint, I end up missing both Alex and and Jason. So I'm a little down in the dumps today, maybe I just need some sleep and a little caffeine later. Today I resisted the urge to send something to Alex. That's progress. Last night I had a realization I didn't like but maybe I needed it. It made me feel kind of used even a little dirty. I really need to work on my self esteem. I decided to keep these log entries going until I can successfully say, "it's over, really over".
12.9.2012 & 12.10.2012
My emotions got the best of me. I ended up texting him and after what seemed like was going well, he made me feel like shit. I feel like it's the first time he's intentionally been a dick to me. So I cried, I cried for a few hrs. Couldn't sleep til like 4am. And now here I am waking up super early, super in my feelings. Why would he ruin my birthday knowing how I feel about birthdays. I'm trying to fake excitement for tonight and for my tattoos and for the next few days but I already know it's gonna be rough. I feel worse this birthday than I did last year. Ironically the person who made my birthday good last year is the person breaking my heart this year.
12.12.12
Its my birthday! I wish i felt happier about it. All i wanted was to be with him for my birthday and here i am drinking away my sorrows, alone. i didn't even get a call.
2.23.2013
I haven't seen or talked to Alex in a few months. I still miss him and I definitely still love him, but if i didn't move on when i did, i don't know where i'd be today. Today is his birthday and even though he ruined mine i'm fighting the urge to call and wish him a happy birthday. i guess that feeling will always be there. I'm doing a lot better, pain has subsided and I've learned to love myself in ways i didn't know before. I guess gratitude for necessary pain is warranted.
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