I’m on my fourth therapist (5th if you count Charley, but I don’t count Charley) and I think 2 of the 4 have had the right tools to help me grow.
I’m currently feeling soooo anxious and uncomfortable and I have all these feelings I can’t keep inside. I cry often. I lose my shit often. And I’m realizing so many things about me. Abut what I want and/or need.
I’m grateful for all the work , effort and encouragement that has been given to me by them. But if I had to play favorites, I’d pick Neena and Annie. Neena was my first and I feel like I learned so much in the middle of my grief. I learned about life, about dating, about my body, about my mind and about my feelings. She unlocked things I didn’t even think of or remembered. I did a lot of growing with Neena. I was hurt when she left. But I get it, they can’t stay forever right? Charley inherited me from Neena but it didn’t go past one session.
I went almost a year without a new therapist and in that time I reverted back to shitty behaviors and I closed up. It almost feels like I was undoing something great. After much waiting and urging from my psychiatrist, I was given Alexa.
Alexa was great to me. She will be an amazing therapist with the more experience she gains. I say that because she was a student while I had her. In about 5 to 10 years she’s going to be unstoppable. She’s so empathetic and for as long as I had her, she was my biggest cheerleader. She left the practice when I felt like I was really really getting somewhere. I miss her and I hope she’s doing well.
Sarah inherited me from Alexa but it just wasn’t a good fit. Our first session was kind of awkward and I was still willing to try because I really needed to continue my therapy. But I dreaded my sessions and eventually did not return. In the process I also lost Lauren, my psychiatrist. I missed 4 appointments in three years during times I was severely depressed. Always around the same time, David’s death anniversary. I guess this year was the last time and she discharged me. That one kind of hurt because through all the therapy and therapists, Lauren was the one constant. I emailed her and thanked her for our time and I apologized for the missed appointments. I wasn’t expecting for her to reverse the discharge or anything like that but after three years of me baring my soul to her especially in between therapists, a reply to my email would have been nice.
It is what it is I guess.
So now here I was mid-depressive episode. No psychiatrist, no therapist, no meds. I started shopping around and settled on the first psychiatrist to give me an appointment. He’s ok but he’s no Lauren. He did open the gates for me to find a new therapist. Now I have Annie.
I’ve only been seeing Annie for a month. It’s super early I know but I’m so grateful to have found her. She helps me feel uncomfortable in the best ways. In a way, because of those who came before her, she’s getting an upgraded version of me. I’m still a fucking mess, but I know the process and I’m so willing to do the work that anything coming from her is so welcome.
As much as I know how good therapy is for me, and as much as I know people don’t stay forever, I hope Annie sticks around. I don’t know how I’d feel if I lost yet another one. One I like and is making a difference.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be well enough to forego therapy. I hope so, but I also know that I still have such a long way to go. I just hope I can finally find peace, forgiveness and acceptance. At least enough that I can continue to work through my issues even if I don’t have someone in the future.
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