Last night I realized that you're so afraid of loss. You're afraid of building real connections because you're afraid of losing them. You've lost so much. I wish I could sit here and reassure you that everything is going to be ok, that I'm not leaving no matter what and that we'll both live to see 100. But the reality is that I don't know that to be true and one thing about me is that I don't lie. So, how can we fix this? Hmm that's a poor choice of words, how can we accept this?
Since I can only share my personal thoughts and experiences I'll say this;
I've said before that my biggest irrational fear is being widowed twice. Every now and then I realize it's actually a very rational fear. But see, I fell in love with you. So deeply that I just don't see myself leaving. Even though I've tried before, I always come back. As I write this, I lay naked next to you, in your bed, in your fortress of solitude. If you told me today, that you're sick or whatever other thing that could potentially shorten your time with me, I wouldn't run. I've realized I just want to enjoy my time with you as much as I can. I don't know when I'll die and neither do you and all we can do is live the life we have left.
I also realized your fear of opening up, let me just say that there is nothing you could possibly say that'll be too dumb to share. I love seeing the way your brain works. I love when you share deep thoughts of yourself. Now, I might roast you a little bit, it's in my nature to find humor in everything. Probably because of years of conditioning and trauma.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm fucked up too. I'm broken too. I've seen and done fucked up shit too. I know it's not to the same level, but whatever you want to share with me, I'll accept. I'll give you feedback and even though you may not like the feedback, it'll be honest and coming from a place of love. Most importantly, it's just feedback. It's not a reason for you to retract, to pull away, to push me away. Sometimes I feel like you have a lot to learn about life.
The more I know you, the more I realize how different our lives have been. I think that's beautiful because it means we'll add a different type of value to each others lives. Our experiences have made us who we are and we probably wouldn't love each other if we hadn't come from where we did.
It's crazy how inspired I get when I'm here. You need to let me come over more. Maybe I'd actually finish the novel. I love you sour patch ❤️
P.S. I'm claiming you, loudly and proudly. You're mine, officially. And I'm yours and I'm not asking, it's happening I'm going to love you and you're gonna let me 🙃 you have a gf now!! Eww I hate titles lol
"I don't wanna be your girlfriend, I'm just trying to be your person" - SZA "Notice Me"
📸: @soleoado
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