📷 : @soleoado
I know a lot of people raised on survival, myself included. We were never given another choice and it's become how we address life. When things are going well we doubt it. We stand hesitant just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's almost like things aren't supposed to go well for us, like we're so used to surviving that we struggle to thrive with intent when things are running smooth.
I love this painting. I love a lot of his paintings and I'm lucky to have stumbled upon his work. I wish him the most success because sometimes these little quotes and the beauty in the paintings remind me that I can live without the fear of waiting for the other show to drop.
I think people like me are intimidated by freedom. We want it but when we get it, we don't know how to properly exercise that newfound freedom.
It's kind of crazy when someone points it out isn't it?
It's something that we don't acknowledge even if we know it to be true. In the event that the conversation comes up you realize it and admit it.
But lets face it, is it something to be proud of? I'm gonna play devils advocate and play both sides. I'm proud of my ability to adapt to anything, that came with my years of living in survival mode. I'm not proud of the anxiety and depression that living in a chronic state of survival leaves behind. I really hate that, and if you were to ask my parents about it, they would have no idea what you meant.
My parents generation was never big on emotions. If you fell you got up, dusted yourself off and kept going. That's not a bad thing but when it's the only thing, it's bad. Having to always be strong and adapt and keep moving and never being given the grace of feeling your feelings is a one way ticket to clinical depression and chronic generalized anxiety.
Now as an adult with diagnoses of
major anxiety disorder
Clinical Depression
ADHD and years of therapy under my belt, I finally understand things now that I haven't been able to process in the 30+ yrs I've lived. I finally see correlations and frankly, I see why I feel the way I feel about certain things.
I hate my anxiety, I hate how much it affects my day to day. I hate my bouts of depression, I hate when I can't even get out of bed. I hate feelin like I'm just surviving. It makes me feel like I'm not really living. I hate that when things are going my way, my anxiety wrapped in fear tells me that something must be wrong. Essentially telling myself that I'm not worthy of the good things that are happening to me, even though I really deserve them. That doubt pushes it's way through and bam 💥 here comes brother self sabotage to the party.
Now the cycle starts all over again. You feel like shit because you ruined something good out of fear, then anxiety comes, then depression takes over for a while, and eventually you dig yourself out of the hole you created. Now things are looking up, and then.......... see details above.
So yea I'm tired of just surviving. I want to live and feel and be happy and not care about anyone else anymore. Just me and my chicks 🐥
And so should you!! Go be you and take inventory of those feelings you don't understand and kick their ass. Go survive when survival is necessary, not every day.
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