Have you ever felt like the bad guy in your own story?

I love the Taylor Swift song "antihero".

Why? Because....

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me At tea time, everybody agree I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

She really got it right with this one. A lot of times I feel like the villain in my own story because, well, I think I am. I have a tendency to self destruct when I'm in pain or heartbroken or depressed. It's a cycle I've followed since I was a kid. I guess depression always lived in me. When rock bottom comes, or at least what I consider rock bottom, then something clicks within me and I'll fix myself but eventually I end up in the same place.

Right now I feel more numb than I've ever felt in my life. It feels like nothing matters. My anxiety is through the roof and the panic attacks are back. I guess that's probably why nothing else matters. All my energy is currently being used to not fall completely apart. So, fuck everything else.

My entire life I have had a tendency to self sabotage. Every time things were going well for me, I would mess up. One way or another, either at work or in my relationships, I would do something that would jeopardize how well things were going for me. I couldn't help myself. It was like clockwork.

Then when David died and I was forced to face all my shit, new and old, I learned a lot about myself. I learned coping strategies and my "fuck it" attitude decreased. I learned to focus on the things that mattered most and prioritize them. Slowly since about May of last year, when I lost Neena, all the bad habits came back, not fully, but some and there was a lot of "fuck it" happening. I fell in love but refused to accept it and fought it with all my might. Unfortunately, I guess Cupid won. I say unfortunately because it didn't work out. He lied and broke my heart and here we are. Back in that reckless spiral of bad habits, anxious to the point where I can only do one real productive thing at a time.

Luckily this gilded butterfly is extremely optimistic....stay tuned dosidory's 🦋♥️✨