First they’re sweet, then they’re bitter ✨

I’m becoming bitter and cynical and I don’t like it. It’s so foreign to me. Is this what some y’all feel? How do you get through life like this?

Never thought I’d be here and not sure how I’m sinking into this new phase. Even worst, idk how to get out and leave it behind. I’ve never been the type to hate on other people’s happiness or their love or their accomplishments. So having these negative feelings is uncomfortable and unfair to say the least.

I truly believe that I don’t deserve the way I’ve been treated throughout my life by the men that I’ve loved. I’ve given everything and I’ve loved them with everything. I’ve been the dumb delusional girl in love one too many times. I guess eventually someone would break my heart like this, it was bound to happen.

Clearly I haven’t done very well when it comes to heartbreak. I just don’t understand why people hurt people who love them. I also have the hardest time accepting that it wasn’t even my fault that someone was so shitty to me. But I always blame myself. Maybe I gave too much. Maybe I loved too hard. Maybe if I just wait it out, things will eventually change. That’s the kicker right there. That sliver of hope that stays within blinding me to more bullshit and more mistreatment.

I think it all started when I fell in love with the wrong person. But then again, have they all been the wrong person? I’ve given so much of myself away in relationships and situationships that I often don’t have any love left for myself. That’s awful I know. I’ve spoken of the ghosts of boyfriends past before here on the blog so I won’t bore you with any more details of my broken and failed relationships. I’ll explain what has set me on this path recently.

This innocent comment ⬇️ on someone else’s post is what set me off on this rampage. Something as small and innocent ruined my entire day. I’m writing about it and I’m posting it to hold myself accountable for how I feel.

My most recent experience has been the worst. This coming from someone who’s been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused is kind of a big deal to say. I gave that man everything. I loved him the way that I know how to love, deep and passionately. I tried to love him the way I thought he needed me to love him. Didn’t matter.

I still miss him. I still want him even though he doesn’t deserve me. I still seek him out even though I know it’s not gonna end well. Idk how to stop myself from texting him. Idk how to love him less. Idk how to block him and mean it. I hate what loving him has turned me into. I hate that he has a girlfriend. I hate that he wasn’t honest about it and let me fall for him like an idiot. I hate how much I hate his girlfriend even though she’s done nothing wrong. I hate how jealous I feel when I remember that he’s with her. I hate how I want to burn the whole world to the ground when I see her name. I hate that I avoid Facebook because I know it’s inevitable for me to see something I don’t really want to see. I guess I have a little ptsd leftover from the fact that Facebook is the way I found out about them. An innocent post by a third party that destroyed my heart and crushed me into a million pieces. I hate that I never got closure from that. I hate that I need that closure.

Isn’t it crazy how love can change your life? For the good and the bad. I think the worst part is the second guessing. The self doubt of whether you did something wrong or not. Even when you know you didn’t, you can’t help but question why someone you love so deeply, who you gave nothing but love to, would hurt you so badly and not care. Or maybe they do, but it doesn’t matter because the hurt is there. The mistrust is there. Were the red flags there and I ignored them? Surely there had to be some right? Did I choose to ignore them? Did I simply not see them? Did I love him so much that I was blind to who he really is?

Who have I become? Is this my new reality? If it is, I don’t want it.

I was never the jealous type and now I can’t stand how jealous I feel. Is it even worse that I know what to do but can’t? Have I become such a masochist to willingly let him continue disappointing me yet I can’t stay away? I hate where I am emotionally. I hate that I’ve developed trust issues. I hate that it’s so easy for him to hurt me. I hate that I keep going back for more. I hate that I find myself doing to others what he’s done to me. Is it self hatred? Has he broken me beyond repair? I refuse to believe that. But I know it will take a really long time for me to heal from it.

I’m sorry to whoever I’ve hurt in the aftermath of my complicated relationship with that person. I think I need to be more sorry to myself. For the self doubt, the self deprecation, for the unhealthy coping strategies I’ve learned and kept along the way. I’m even sorry to the girlfriend because I just can’t stand the fact that she has him. I’m sorry I hate you even though I don’t know you.

Ironically I don’t wish either of them any harm. I do hope one day she learns who he is and I’m sorry for the pain she’ll feel. It’s what I feel. I don’t wish it on anyone else. I simply hope I hate myself less, that I learn to love myself more. That this poison within me subsides and I can forgive and move on. I hope I don’t ever take him back. I hope when the day comes I can send him to hell along with his half assed apologies. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just been a bad guy to me. The bitter bitch within me hopes to return the favor. Normal me hopes he finds peace, but as far away from me as possible. Because my peace cannot be broken in order for him to find his.

I love you V…….and fuck him 🖕🏼