I think I owe you an apology. I just can’t help these big emotions. And all my big emotions eventually lead to, this wouldn’t be happening if you were still here.
That has got to be the truest statement for me. My reality. Today was a sad day for me. I still feel like crying. My thoughts are all over the place. My hearts racing. Yet, I was lethargic today. I don’t know what’s going on in my body.
I miss you so much. I miss our pillow talks. A lot. I miss feeling your presence next to me in bed. I miss our calls on your way home from work. I miss our family nights. I always feel like I’m failing when I try to have them. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on it. Making it more than what it has to be.
I miss everything about those last five years. It’s like such a blow to feel like you a lmost had it all and lose it in a second. You keep chasing that high and the disappointment is just so much greater. Nobody measures up. Not even by a landslide. Like literally nobody has come even close to it. I can’t help but think of Angel as I say that. He’s so cute when his guard is down. I love when he’s silly. I just look at him like damn…my more.
Anyway…..
I miss our high nights. Those were great. We talked so much and it was amazing. That’s probably my favorite thing about it. How much we bonded. Those are the type of moments that are so special you can never recreate them. Like you don’t even wanna try cus it’ll ruin it. I wouldn’t have those nights with anyone else. I feel you near. I picture you laughing as I write this. I can see your smile. I can feel your warmth. Ugh how I miss your touch. Your kisses. Those random passionate kisses that would give me once in a while and leave my panties wet. That was so sexy.
I love that we never lost our spark. That we could fuck as much now as we did when we met. That was really good too lol. We did it everywhere. If they test for semen at ps1 yours is going to be in every room. I love that. Because those quickies around the job were everything. I’m proud we christened the entire building. Man we had some times babe.
Thank you. For all those experiences. For showing me a nicer side of the world. Experience the world with different eyes. For teaching me that we dont belong to the hood, the hood belongs to us. We carry it inside everywhere we go but that doesn’t mean we can’t find better and do better. I sound like a boujie bitch.
I’ve been such a bitch lately. Ni yo me aguanto. I think it’s the changes in my meds. It’s why I don’t even wanna take it anymore. I wanna find real coping skills. Fuck the antidepressants.
I really do want to stop taking them. My anxiety is the one that needs most attention. I want to find skills for that too. I really do want to do better. I deserve better. I need to give myself more. You know I started reading the Bible. A friend recommended I start with the book of job. I get it now. I get why religion is closely tied with acceptance. Well idk if religion cuz I don’t even know what I am anymore.
End of the day thoughts 💭
6.6.24
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